Stocking Stuffers

Here's an excerpt of my December 2007 Parting Line column from Game & Fish Publications:

Of all the holiday traditions, the one most advantageous to outdoorsmen is the stocking stuffer.
As a child waking up Christmas morning, I'd always eye the largest packages, hoping Santa had left them for me. As I became more involved in hunting, fishing and camping, I also became more educated in my greed.
It was still desirable to receive the occasional big, expensive gift such as a rifle, a bow, or a fly rod. But the stocking stuffers -- sthe smaller, less expensive gadgets and gear tucked in my Christmas stocking -- often proved to be the gifts that were handier, more likely to carried, and more often used.
Early on, a stocking stuffer competition developed with my brother Gary. Our sister Carol didn't enter into the rivalry. Each Christmas her stocking contained hair ties, bubble bath, combs, brushes, and other articles of primping, preening, and personal hygiene.
To guys who in adulthood would spend a week in deer camp each fall without showering, articles of personal hygiene in our stockings would have been useless, even insulting.
Gary, being older, had an initial advantage. While I was still receiving cartoon character candy dispensers in my stocking, he was unveiling such treasures as official Boy Scout pocket knives and waterproof match cases.
The inequities in the contents of our Christmas stockings as kids probably did irreparable harm to my fragile self-esteem. No matter. I had a lifetime to be vindictive and play catch-up.
"Don't bother wasting a match to light the fire," I told Gary back in camp one evening last fall. "I'll use my amazing new Magnum Sparky magnesium fire starter to scrape off a shower of sparks to get a lifesaving blaze going in seconds."
"Sounds like you're reading from the package again," Gary said. "Don't tell me, stocking stuffer, right?"
"Strange," I said. "I'm getting lots of sparks, but they're not catching."
"Move," he said. He squirted some charcoal lighter fluid on the logs and lit them with what appeared to be a magic wand.
"It's a Blaze Away long-stemmed butane lighter," he said with a superior smile. "It's also a stocking stuffer."
When we had a good bed of coals, we put meat on the grill and set out our cook pot.
"Here," I said. "Take one of my new stocking stuffer bandannas with the rare running deer pattern, fold it like so, and it becomes a handy pot holder."
"Is that the one you were blowing your nose with all day?" he said.
"Never mind, I'll do it. Ouch!"
"You'd better get the burn ointment from my stocking stuffer pocket-sized first-aid kit," Gary said. "I'll use my stocking stuffer universal pot handle that clamps easily on any pot or pan to move our supper around. These noodles are a bit bland, though."
"Solution," I said. I took something out of my stocking. "Salt and pepper shaker tops that fit securely on plastic 35mm film canisters."
"You brought your Christmas stocking on a hunting trip?" Gary asked.
"Dawn sewed on a shoulder strap, a reinforced belt loop, and a secure button flap," I said. "What better way to carry stocking stuffers than in the Christmas stocking itself? This way I can use it more than one day a year."
"Where did you find one in blaze orange?"
"I got it for Christmas, rolled up in my stocking," I said. "They come in camo too."
I started to sprinkle salt and pepper into the cook pot. The tops popped off into the pot, along with two 35mm film canisters full of salt and pepper.
"Don't worry," Gary said. "Here, scoop it out with my Kamp Kitchen pocket knife. I got it in my stocking last Christmas. It has a fold-out spoon, fork, knife and can-opener. Watch it though, the knife is pretty..."
"Ouch!"
"...sharp," he said. "I have bandages in that first-aid kit, too."
"We should have caught our supper down at the pond," I said. "I brought my lucky fishing lure, you know, the distressed minnow with the face that reminds me of old Mrs. Grendoon, my third-grade teacher? That lure is one of my favorite all-time stocking stuffers."
"How many fish have you caught with it?"
"None," I said, "but it's survived ten years and several thousand casts and I haven't lost it yet."
"We'd probably be better off with my Angler's Travel Pack," Gary said. "It has an assortment of hooks, sinkers, plastic crayfish and grubs and fits conveniently in either a Christmas stocking or the side pocket of a backpack."
"Sure, just throw money at the problem," I said. "It's more clever to find a bargain-priced solution in the true stocking stuffer tradition."
"First, Mrs. Grendoon was my third grade teacher, not yours," he said. "And it's not like you invented any of your stocking stuffers. You found them in your Christmas stocking. How clever is that?"
We continued the duel by bringing out a tiny sewing kit, headband flashlight holder, rifle scope lens covers, folding scissors, water purification tablets, magnetic-mount fiber optic sights, emergency blanket, and clip-on bubble compass.
"This is about the official Boy Scout knife and the waterproof match case, isn't it?" Gary asked.
"Santa always liked you best," I said.
"That was 40 years ago," he said. "You weren't old enought to play with knives and matches, not that you are now; you're still cutting and burning yourself. Think back. I ended up giving you that Boy Scout knife. I don't know what happened to the match case."
"I've got that too, big brother," I said, "in my stocking somewhere."